This was first posted on the Marriage Resource Center.
John Gottman, a “mathematical” marriage researcher, has identified four predictors of divorce known as “The Four Horsemen”. On the positive side, he has also identified four predictors of marriage success.
Predictors of divorce
Stonewalling – withdrawing and refusing to participate in communication
Criticism – nagging without warmth and open-mindedness
Defensiveness – not take responsibility for contributions to problems
Contempt – a total lack of respect for partner
Are any of these going on in your marriage? Try to see if you can change something that you are doing. Remember you can only change yourself. So, start with you first. Try to be less critical. What’s your main problem? They don’t fold the shirts the way you do? Is the way he folds the shirts going to matter if he passed away? Would you still focus on how he folded the shirts? Don’t sweat the small stuff. Who really cares? If your spouse is having a bad day try not to take it personally. It may not be about you at all and could be about something that happened to them at work. Try to keep the tone out of your voice. Can’t keep a tone out of your voice, talk with a smile on your face. Don’t forget to always talk about your feelings. But frame it in such a way that it’s your problem not theirs. When I see you do xxx it makes me feel xxx.
Predictors of marriage success
More positives than negatives – at least a 5:1 ratio
Repair attempts – “putting on the brakes” instead of continuing unproductive cycles
Soft start-up – gentle in sharing complaints or desires
Accepting influence – not just understanding partner, but actually accepting of his or her ideas
So, please remember to be positive in your dealings with your spouse and your family. Try to think instead of speaking hurtful things. Make sure you are gentle when you have a complaint with something your partner does. Remember we’re not perfect either. And treat your partner as an equal. Accept their ideas and validate their feelings. These things can keep a marriage on the course for a lifetime.
Source: Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York NY: Three Rivers Press, 1999).
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